What Causes Us to Relive Our Childhood When We’re with Family?

Throughout the year, you are an independent adult, and you consider yourself to be quite responsible. Yet when you return to your family, whether for the holidays or traditional gatherings such as the Christmas party, your inner child suddenly resurfaces.

[Article publié par The Conversation, écrit par Gery Karantzas, Professor in Social Psychology / Relationship Science, Deakin University]

You then find yourself arguing with your brother or sister over a board game, or sulking in front of your parents.

Why do we tend to regress when we find ourselves immersed again in our respective family environments? Is this a general trend?

Psychology offers avenues for understanding the mechanisms underlying these family dynamics, as well as ways to defuse them, to get back on a good footing.

Understanding family dynamics

Developed at the beginning of the 20th century^e century, attachment theory aims to describe the relationships that develop between human beings. In particular, she suggests that our early experiences – particularly the way we “attached” to our parents and primary caregivers during our childhood – influence our interactions with our family and other loved ones.

According to attachment theory, these early experiences leave traces: under their influence we gradually develop a system of thoughts, beliefs, expectations, emotions… These elements, which can be positive or negative, guide our behavior towards our parents (and, later, towards our partners). This set forms our “attachment model”.

Around 60% of people are considered to have a secure attachment model: generally, their memories of their early relationship with their parents are quite positive. They can communicate openly and honestly with the people who have cared for them, and call on them for advice or comfort.

The remaining 40%, however, have an insecure attachment model. Their early experiences with their parents resulted in the formation of negative attitudes. As a result, some of these people tend to adopt a distant and reserved attitude towards those close to them (we speak of “avoidant” personalities), while others will need their permanent validation and will cultivate closeness. with them, while fearing being rejected (“anxious” personalities).

These attachment patterns influence our feelings and behaviors, even as adults, especially when we are around our parents or people who have cared for us.

Do we treat our parents the way they treated us?

One of the questions that bothers people who work on attachment is that of “intergenerational transmission”, in other words the transmission by parents of their attachment model to their children.

If a parent is distant or reserved towards their child early in life, as an adult, the child may treat their parent in a similar manner, which would indicate that the “avoidant” attachment pattern has been introduced to them. transmitted. Such transmission would explain why we fall back into “old patterns” in the presence of our parents or other close family members. Let's imagine that on Christmas Eve, your mother was upset by the reception that the guests gave to the dessert she had prepared. Anxiety may cause you to feel obligated to reassure her that her meal was actually delicious.

However, such intergenerational transmission does not exist within all families; it can be much less present in certain parent-child relationships.

The impact of stress

How our parents cared for us during our childhood plays an important role in the development of our attachment pattern, but it does not fully explain it.

Stressful events experienced during life – especially during youth – also shape us. This can also influence the way our parents or loved ones take care of us: over time, if extremely stressful and lasting events occur, the parent-child bond can be affected, and become less secure. Conversely, if life improves, the relationship between parent and child may change to become more secure (or simply less insecure).

The temporary stress that family gatherings like those that occur around Christmas and the end-of-year holidays can generate can sometimes exacerbate insecurities and make them more visible, which influences our behavior.

Temperament plays a role

Temperament also plays a role in the development of attachment pattern.

Children who are more sensitive, reactive or irritable are more likely to be affected by how a parent responds to their needs and concerns.

Conversely, children who are less sensitive and more adaptable may be less influenced by similar parental behavior. They can develop a more secure (or less insecure) attachment model, where a more sensitive child will not be able to.

This may partly explain why adult siblings may experience similar family contexts differently.

What can we do to avoid falling into these traps again?

Sometimes we have the impression that the family dynamics at work during gatherings between loved ones are stronger than us. However, it is possible to avoid feeling overwhelmed, thanks to a few simple actions:

1. Talk to someone

Before family gatherings, share your concerns with a close friend or relative with whom you feel comfortable. These people can help you understand why you experienced negative feelings in the past and find ways to avoid experiencing them again, which can lead to more positive interactions with your family members.

2. Talk to yourself

If, during family gatherings, negative childhood memories tend to resurface, we can become overwhelmed by emotion, lose self-confidence or show excessive reactivity. In these moments, introspection can allow us to reconnect with the strongest and wisest part of our personality.

3. Take a break

Sometimes the solution may be to move away temporarily, to find a place to take a short break to calm down and soothe your emotions. This time can be used to apply certain techniques aimed at reducing stress and containing negative emotions.

For example, it is possible to use certain breathing techniques to calm your mind.

Another strategy is to identify your negative thoughts, or to “sarcastically thank your mind” for said negative thoughts. This allows you to better identify them and limit the attention given to them.

Sometimes – especially around the holidays – we feel like we have to tolerate the negative interactions we may have with our family, and move on. But such an attitude can in certain cases make the problems worse. Feeling vulnerable and emotional is normal. This can also lead to reaching out to certain people (an understanding sister or brother, for example) who can become allies who can cope with these emotions and to discussing your feelings. You can then join the festivities after recharging your batteries.